Funny horoscope: Aries is sick possessive, Scorpio freaks out when without sex...

Funny horoscope: Aries is sick possessive, Scorpio become mentally ill without sex

 


People are used, when reading a horoscope, to see only the praises for their sign. On the Internet, however, are circulating a humorous and sarcastic presentation of traits of the Zodiac.

 

ARIES

 

Members of this sign are sick possessive and want to take away all freedom of their partners, but to themselves will allow the harem of mistresses.

 

Mostly stuck at the impregnable fortress and do not admit a defeat until are completely mentally destroyed. Very chaotic in the brain, jump on anything and everything, and it must be here and now, do not know the tactics. They become ill from waiting.

 

When they realize that you were right, they will not admit it, they do not admit their mistakes.

 

They do not believe in astrology. They have no tenderness. They are selfish and grueling, do not use their brain, do not have emotional intelligence, do not let themselves to a partner, nor follow her/him.

 

They end up with a jerk because their choice of partner is horrible and after are surprised when they are cheated or left.  All in all, they need a very long time to understand things, if that ever happens.

 

 

TAURUS

 

Self - complacent, silent persons, boring as a club of philatelists. Their biggest psychological problem is that they do not have problems. Everything is great for them; do not bother them with your problems, because they do not have theirs. You should create them problems just to make their lives more interesting.

 

Their peace is perfect until it turns into a manic madness, because when you get them out of line, then, with their horns, knives, and anything, they can get in their hands, together with a disfigured face, will attack you as if you were a matador who is waving a red cloth.

 

Then bury yourself or prepare the hatchet, because they will not give up not even if you apologize.

 

 

GEMINI

 

Main Gossips and traitors that change every 10-15 minutes. They say that Judas was a Gemini. They are persons with hundred faces, eternal actors, and narcissistic with a superficial view of life.

 

They do not believe in astrology. If you draw a line under, you will see that for him. You are standing very low on the priority list. They will always make plans to be with someone else rather than with you. Simply, their story never “hold the water," the truth is that they are cheating on you. Extremely bad side of this is that Gemini is several personalities in one person. The good side is that they treat themselves the same way that treat you. You're dealing with someone who cannot reaches and provides a quality, but can provide a 'quantity' '.

 

However, the fact that they do not offer anything does not mean that you are not expected to give everything. However, they are just cheap, selfish jerks, skilled with words, and words are the only currency they have and by which they want to take from you everything you have.

 

If you have some extra time you want to throw out the window, to rest your brain with shallow things without perspective, or you want to find one that will be none as man or woman, you are welcome to do it.

See also: Alfa females according to Zodiac Signs

CANCER

 

Possessive lunatics who are insulted if your ‘‘good morning '' is not in the proper intonation. Changing moods as an eye movement, and with an emotional need to stress someone, it's important to them to cheat on a partner.

 

If you accuse them of lying, you are in trouble, they will weep and cuckoo for years. Cancer is changing its personality from one extreme to another - one day turns into your worst enemy and sadistic, while the next is again '' old '' - with mild amnesia.

 

If you want to have a time bomb by your side, which will regularly explode in your face every few days, go ahead. Just join a hunting club, because you will probably need a rifle.

 

LEO

 

They are arrogant, pompous and annoying despisers. Leos truly believe that their entry into the room is accompanied by reflectors and that in each room is always at least one person that loves them.

 

The truth is that there is only one person - themselves. So, to be with Leo, you have to learn to suck up to them; to agree with everything they say, and to adore them without reason.

 

VIRGO

 

They are obsessive-compulsive neurotics, who treat stress by clearing the house, or by agreeing goods and Chinese's porcelain. They are excessively demanding sticklers for whom  too much is not enough. Members of this sign do not know love. They are without emotions, and for them, it is all about sex.

 

If any sign is a '' prostitute '', it is this. Only a robot may be more collected and colder than Virgo.

 

With Virgo, you can be sure of one thing, sooner or later will stab you in the back. It will be thoughtfully analyzed and confirmed as the best option for them. They act so well that you will not know that they have been calculating for days or months if is the time to eliminate you.

 

And only when they are absolutely certain, they will discover you their treachery. From where is such talent for meanness and insensitivity? However, they are narcissists that only care about their appearances with a commitment to excellence, as they call it. Virgo has no passion in itself, tenderness, warmth, and all their tears are because they mourn themselves.

 

If there was not for neurotic anxiety and rush that have in them (because of the clock ticking, while is so far from its goal of perfection) by which they break and lose their rationality, you might think that you're dealing with an Android. However, do not confuse the moments of losing control with emotions - it's just a reflex, jumping lid on the pot, which is pressure released because the water is boiling. It’s pure physics. It is faithful to itself, and it excludes all other people.

 

 

LIBRA

 

Narcissistic schizophrenics, whose best friend is a mirror. They are totally unstable. They need a week to decide whether to order a Coke or Pepsi, they are so lazy that it is a miracle. How do they get out of bed?

 

Members of this sign are soulless, heartless. Without blood, they will love you only if you are financially strong, or you have a good professional position. The word friend does not exist in Libra's vocabulary, and  if you open your soul to them, do not count on reciprocity, because they just listen carefully and will not open their heart.

They prefer 1,000 beautiful lies, then one painful truth, because they are the most successful at lying even to themselves.

 

SCORPIO

 

They are self-pitying auto - destructive that cannot stand alone their own wormwood, but must pull another 100 people with themselves.

 

If tomorrow will be the end of the world, they would not be shocked, probably would give a welcome by participating in a sadomasochistic orgy. A death to them is no big deal, and they get excited to blood and everything that, to an ordinary mortal being, induce chills.

 

They are jealously possessive psychopaths, who, without sex, are getting sick mentally and imagine that someone is plotting behind their back.

 

You are crazy if you decide to tell a Scorpio that s/he is lying - the detail of your tragedy is not recommended to describe due to the stunning series of brutal scenes. If, by some miracle, you're dealing with a good Scorpio (there is one?), s/he will offer you sexual favors.

 

Scorpio is an emotionally immature, rude, despicable, vindictive and rotten brat which does not stop at anything. You know how a little kid behaves when someone takes its favorite toy? He is angry, is crying, biting, at that point hates you more than anything in the world. If s/he was bigger and stronger, in that emotional state would leap on you and will bite through the throat.

 

These pulses control Scorpio throughout all their lives, the only thing they learn over the years, is to mask their true motives and reasons. Regardless of age, maturity and a sex, when you scratch deeply under the surface, which mainly seems intelligent, dangerous or cunning, you come to the emotionally immature person as the five-year-old child.

 

However, do not forget that the child is holding a grudge, it will not forget, will make plans and return you retaliate when you least expect it.

 

They will not shrink from its own destruction just to achieve their goal. Whatever the reason is, for Scorpio the goal is the most important thing in the world. You must be attached to Scorpio, to be only in their lives and to love them forever.

 

 

SAGITTARIUS

 

Spendthrift and gambler who enjoy preaching to others and their enthusiasm is so great that they believe that it is quite possible to revive the dead - of course, only if they do so. They are terrified to admit to themselves that are familiar with sadness.

 

Do not enter into marriage with Sagittarius, even not by accident, because when s/he is certain that he loves you. It will pass him in a month. Only if you are not rich enough to keep him by your side or have a status that gives him a greater power.

 

It pays off to catch a member of this sign in a lie because will extricate such wonders for justification that it will become an incredibly fun experience for you. Sagittarius does not know to lie ... Does that sound nice? If nostalgic catch you ...Do not a kid yourself, an aureole of innocence is the most powerful defense of Sagittarius.

 

It is sad to watch him go through life. He is stubbornly refusing to realize that his value system is totally naive, inappropriate and someone always comes to grief because of him.

 

One might be wondering what it is that pushes him through life? Certainly, it is not the brain. Not having the perseverance and discipline, when it comes to handling the money, s/he is the worst. S/he has no sense for tangible value, or it has but is ill, mostly die in misery and poverty. The harsh truth is that the only thing that is making its way forward through the life of faith in the luck.

 

Some can and know, and others, like them, can only rely on luck. This philosophical creation of moralists’ by which declares a lot of rubbish that has nothing to do with life and intelligence, can cause nausea in other human beings.

See also: Business Astro guide: Which profession suits best to you

 

CAPRICORN

 

A real slave driver who believes in destiny, the word 'sorry' does not exist in his vocabulary. You can live next to the Capricorn whole your life, to be married to a member of this sign, but you'll never find out what they have to say.

 

They do not know how to express their feelings with words, so, instead of 'I love you' they will say, “go to hell." They will sell their soul for social status.

 

Capricorn is a coward who flees headlong as soon as the risk is higher - running away and leaving in the lurch is something that he does and will do whole life.

 

If you manage to catch the Capricorn to have revenge, do not expect a pleasure to see the agony on his face while punishing - here are other key things about them: they are emotionally illiterate creatures.

 

Capricorn is unable to show his emotions, to receive or to give. When you draw the line, he is too slow, dark and poor in feel with a real joy a pleasure of life. Stay away from this frigid coward, because at some point you will realize that you are dominated by someone who is not worth, and who have nothing to give you.

 

However, there is an exception if you find a Capricorn whose hug is warm and strong, whose tear of sadness and joy is a regular occurrence on the face, grab it and do not let go, because you have found pure gold.

 

 

AQUARIUS

 

He is an unbridled freelancer who, through his life, will lose himself for 500 times. Aquarius would be friends to everyone, but, in the end, it does not succeed, so they fool those who have done the most for them. Eternally pry into other's private lives, and therefore, you probably will not be surprised by the fact that, according to statistics, most spies of the CIA are born under the sign of Aquarius.

 

At one point, they will do anything for a friend, but they will count it all. His lies are prone to plant another, live shortest of all because life without responsibility brings an early death.

 

You say that Aquarius lie to you? He? No way! What is a lie? It does not exist. This is an illusion. There are just different views of the same thing, you should have an open mind and understanding towards what is different than the way you understand things. This is what Aquarius will say.

 

Members of this sign do not believe in astrology. The essence of Aquarius is that he does not care about you, is not interested in what you say or think about it. The reason that's with you is that he thinks that you are a freak, and that's enough to rank high in his eyes because he considers himself as non-understood, a special and extraordinarily valuable people.

 

In fact, Aquarius is facing itself with the bad '' Trip 'in the head.

 

PISCES

 

Self-pitying bore a person, waiting for someone to come and comfort them, cannot do anything without help, and even the smallest thing they see as a superior sensation and bothering people around with it.

 

During the break, when in the good mood, they deal with other people's problems, then fall again into depression - and so again. Pisces does not lie; this is impossible because their religion does not allow it.

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Funny horoscope: Aries is sick possessive, Scorpio become mentally ill without sex

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